Racism cured after white people put black face on their social media accounts

We are pleased to report that racial prejudice worldwide has been solved by white people blacking up their social media accounts.  From your mum’s friend Karen on Facebook to Fitness_Fanatic22 on Instagram, attention seekers worldwide have sought to centre themselves within the current protests.   “Don’t be unfair, we are raising awareness,” said one of […]
 

Ant and Dec to host Coronavirus Daily Update

Following the news that The Daily Coronavirus Update is losing viewers faster than America is running out of MolotovCocktails, BBC producers have paid an undisclosed sum to prise away Ant and Dec from ITV to boost lagging viewing figures. We don’t know the whole format of the show but we spoke to Ant and/or Dec and […]
 

Piers Morgan leads star studded sing along to F**k Tha Police

Piers Morgan shared a video on Tuesday night showing him and other self-quarantined celebrities singing NWA’s “Fuck Tha Police” “Hi guys.  Day who knows what in self-quarantine.  Barely know who I am any more.  My wife tells me I used to like Trump and led an obsessive campaign against Meghan Markle,” the “Good Morning Britain” […]
 

Britain begins cheap cocaine and animal abuse phase of lockdown easing

The Government has announced that horse racing can begin again from today.  A spokesman said, “From today people will be able to gather in groups of 6 in their garden and watch the horse racing. We know how much everyone in Britain loves horse racing. It’s the primary concern of people up and down the […]
 

US WWII veterans arrested after Trump bans anti-fascists

In extraordinary scenes the US Secret Service have rounded up and imprisoned several second world war veterans after Donald Trump announced the banning of anti-fascists. The family of 98 year old Anthony Di Napoli told us, “The Secret Service came and arrested my Grandfather this evening. Apparently Trump has banned anti-fascists. My Grandfather fought in […]
 

US achieves 100% employment after Twitter forced to fact check Trump tweets

Donald Trump has achieved the biggest turnaround in US unemployment figures ever after Twitter was forced to recruit fact checkers to fact check his tweets. The news comes at the end of a week that saw 1 in 4 Americans claim unemployment benefits. A spokesman said, “It’s quite remarkable that in the same week that […]
 

Footage of Michael Gove going for a drive emerges

Michael Gove has denied that footage of someone driving blind folded is actually him this afternoon. The footage appears to show Mr Gove in traffic on the M25 attempting to drive whilst blindfolded. Gove allegedly turns to the camera and says, “Its afternoon, I think. I’ve had 5 cups of coffee and I’m blindfolded. Let’s […]
 

David Blunkett confirms he’s still blind following driving test

The Rochdale Herald can exclusively confirm that David Blunkett is still blind. Mr Blunkett confirmed the findings of his most recent eye sight test earlier today. A spokesman told us, “Earlier today Mr Blunkett used the ‘Cummings method’ to confirm he’s still blind. Rather than making an appointment with the doctor I gave him the […]
 

Cummings reveals he was attending Durham Pizza Express

Dominic Cummings has dramatically revealed that he was visiting Durham’s Pizza Express on the advice of Prince Andrew. In a televised interview Cummings said, “I remember the trip very well. My eldest son had a party to attend at the Durham branch of Pizza Express. I drove him there as he’s autistic and having friends […]
 

Dominic Cummings appears on TV to tell plebs to f*** off in person

Dominic Cummings has appeared on the BBC to tell everyone to f*** off and leave him alone. Speaking to Secretary of the Boris Booster Club, Laura Kuenssberg, Cummings said, “It’s been a ridiculous weekend for me. To set things straight, I was at Barnard Castle having my eyes checked to make sure I could drive. […]
 

Travelling 250 miles to avoid taking care of child unsurprisingly fine with Boris Johnson

The role of senior Downing Street Adviser Dominic Cummings was called into question after news emerged that he had seen fit to visit the north east not once, but twice.  This amount of time in the north is almost unheard of in senior Tory circles, and Cummings was forced to reassure the Cabinet that the […]
 

A1 renamed The Dominic Cummings Expressway

The A1(M) between Aberford and Durham has been officially redesignated the Dominic Cummings Expressway in recognition of its primary purpose of conveying the ‘Special’ Advisor to the Prime Minister wherever the fuck he wants to go (usually Durham). “It only seems right” said Chief Transport Minister Carr Fewmes. “The main purpose of this section of […]
 

A1 to Durham renamed The Dominic Cummings Expressway

The A1(M) between Aberford and Durham has been officially redesignated the Dominic Cummings Expressway in recognition of its primary purpose of conveying the ‘Special’ Advisor to the Prime Minister wherever the fuck he wants to go (usually Durham). “It only seems right” said Chief Transport Minister Carr Fewmes. “The main purpose of this section of […]
 

Government pressed on exit strategy for NHS clapping

Labour leader Keir Starmer has urged the Government to publish its exit strategy this week, as he warns that the “silent pressures on families and communities across the country cannot be underestimated”. In a letter to the Prime Minister, Starmer announces that Labour will support the Government’s decision to extend the weekly applause for the […]
 

Well I’ve never caught anything off my kids before, Facebook mum lies

Before 2020, Rochdale mum Di Coughlan had rarely posted anything other than pictures of her adorable children and grimacing husband.  That all changed a couple of months ago, when a new profile filter “#Stay Home – It Could Save Lives” appeared, alongside a seemingly never ending set of rants about such topics as people going […]
 

Vegetable that looks like Prince Charles discovered on Rochdale allotment

A Rochdale man has spoken to us about vegetable he has found that looks remarkably like Prince Charles.  Bill Board told us, “It was last Saturday that I found it. I saw it sticking out of the ground. I pulled it out and was amazed. I looked at it and thought, that looks like Prince […]
 

Daily Mail photo editor awarded the Iron Cross

The chief photo editor for The Daily Mail has been awarded the Iron Cross this afternoon. A spokesman for The Daily Mail said, “This award is great news. Cropping those black kids out of that photo was just the sort of thing that really captures the ethos of The Daily Mail and many of its […]
 

Daily Mail demands children be taught anatomy using dead bodies of their teachers

The Daily Mail has today announced that school pupils in England should be taught anatomy using the dead bodies of their previously living teachers. In an article entitled, ‘Let our teachers be heros’ the Mail called on teaching union’s to stop whining about safety of staff and let teachers fulfil their destiny as martyrs to […]
 

Chris Grayling announces he’s pregnant after taking Covid-19 antibody test

Chris Grayling has revealed he’s pregnant after he took the new Covid-19 antibody test.  A spokesman said, “It came as quite a surprise for Chris that he was pregnant. He wasn’t even trying for a baby and had just nipped out to get some petrol. It does mark an improvement on the last time he […]
 

Foreign holiday season likely to be cancelled says Minister for the Bleedin Obvious

Many British people are unlikely to be able to take summer holidays abroad this year says Matt Hancock in a stunning example of the bleedin’ obvious. Mr Hancock explained that “it is likely to be the case” that “it is unlikely that big, lavish international holidays are going to be possible this summer.” No shit […]