Britain takes back control of its fishing waters and hides them in Shropshire

The Government has revealed that Britain has taken back control of its fishing waters and hidden them in Shropshire. A spokesman said, “For too long these French and Spanish fishermen have fished our fish in our waters. Well no more. I’d like to see johnny foreigner try sailing a trawler up to Telford or Shrewsbury. […]
 

Government reveals latest cohort of “freak and misfit” advisors

The Government has announced that it has recruited some more “freaks and weirdos” as advisors following the resignation of noted weirdo, Andrew Sabisky. A spokesman said, “There was a lot of confusion when we advertised for freaks and misfits to apply. Many people thought that meant trying to get someone like a Galileo type whose […]
 

New EU regulations will require all new houses to have Toulouse

Flush from the success of Brexit, the EU Commission has been swift to demonstrate what the future looks like without a good hard Brit.  Orleans the morning of 14 February, President Macron’s rallying cry of “yes we Caen have Toulouse” has been roundly endorsed by other European nations. “For too long, our European people have […]
 

Coronavirus maybe more deadly than Iain Duncan Smith warns Government

The Government is warning that Coronavirus could be more deadly than Iain Duncan Smith. The warning comes as the number of cases in Britain doubled to 8. A spokesman said, “When discussing the deadliness of a virus it’s always best to use a comparison people are familiar with. That’s why we want to warn the […]
 

Is the EU to blame for Storm Ciara?

As Storm Ciara batters it’s way across the country we at The Rochdale Herald ask, is the EU to blame? Bill Board, Wetherspoons Raconteur. “Of course it is. The EU and George Soros are trying to replace us through immigration. Since we left they can’t do that so they’ve got CERN to change our weather […]
 

Dominic Raab announces lucrative trade deal with Juice Plus+

Dominic Raab has announced that he has completed a very lucrative trade deal with Juice Plus+. A spokesman for Mr Raaab told us, “At our away day in the north everyone  was told that they could all contribute to Britain’s potential by securing trade deals. The Government want to use Britain’s new found freedom to […]
 

Head of the Mafia innocent of being in Mafia says jury of Mafia members

The head of the Mafia, 4 Tony’s Tony is definitely not part of the Mafia after a jury made up of members of the Mafia found him innocent yesterday. 4 Tony’s lawyer told us, “My client wishes to put all these allegations behind him. He has had a  traumatic few years from the time his […]
 

Donald Trump congratulates Rochdale AFC on winning Superbowl

POTATUS, Donald Trump telephoned and congratulated Rochdale AFC on winning the Superbowl on Sunday night. Much to the surprise of club officials. A club spokesman said, “The Chairman was catching up on Love Island when he took the call. At first he thought it was a wind up so he’s now banned from giving live […]
 

Husband remembers to do thing

There were ecstatic scenes in Rochdale this afternoon after a Middleton resident remembered to do the thing he’d been asked to do earlier in the day. Initially thought to be a hoax by wives throughout Lancashire it has been confirmed that he has actually done it, and only had to be reminded seventeen times, a […]
 

China celebrates start of the year of the rat with a plague

China is marking the start of the year of the rat with a global plague outbreak.  As spokesman told us, “We wanted a way of celebrating that would really grab the attention. Fireworks displays and dancing are a bit trite. We got together and decided rats are always associated with disease so that’s the best […]
 

Greta Thunberg releases Scandinavian Death Metal album.

The music world has been surprised by the release of an album by Greta Thunberg and the Prophets of Doom, a new death metal outfit formed by the ecological campaigner.   It is seen as the biggest image change since Charlotte Church started performing mannered anthemic rock in a basque and knickers. Called ‘Scorched Earth […]
 

Prince Harry gets job as Prince Harry look-alike

Prince Harry has a new job as a Prince Harry look-alike in Canada. His new boss told us, “There’s a lot of attention on Prince Harry at the moment. With that attention then demand for a Prince Harry look-alike increases. We’d had several applications but nobody that looked right. Then Prince Harry turned up and […]
 

Prince Andrew to move to Thailand for 6 months

Prince Andrew has announced plans to spend 6 months of the year living in Thailand. The Prince will then spend the other 6 months living in London. In a statement a spokesman for the Prince said, “Since stepping back from royal duties Prince Andrew has been considering various options available to him. Rest assured, he […]
 

Campaign to crowdfund a copy of Bravo Two Zero and box of tissues for Mark Francois a success

A crowdfunding campaign set up to raise enough money for a copy of Bravo Two Zero and a man size box of tissues for Mark Francois has been declared a rip roaring success.  Campaign organiser, Bill Board told us, “Frankly we didn’t expect it to be this successful. Within an hour we’d reached the £9.99 […]
 

Marrying melanin maddens media more than molesting minors

As news broke that Harry and Meghan have decided to quit their jobs to spend less time with their family, the country braced itself for what might happen next. Some things are easily predicted. You know the most tedious bloke at work will be saying “Megxit, geddit??!” for a good month or more. But what […]
 

Couple sentenced to five years in soft play centre for having unprotected sex

A Yorkshire couple have received a five year suspended sentence for having unprotected sex. The sentence, which has been suspended for two years, is the 657,077th to be handed down to couples for having unprotected with each other since the start of 2019. “It’s pretty harsh to give these two five years in a Soft […]
 

Sam Allardyce to step in as caretaker princess for rest of season

Following the news that Harry and Meghan were to take a “step back” from Royal duties, Buckingham Palace made a swift move and have signed Sam Allardyce as caretaker princess until the end of the season. Allardyce, who was hotly touted to become the new Arsenal manager but was overlooked for that position recently, snapped […]
 

Melania puts down deposit on $80 million one bedroom flat in Paris

The First Lady of the US has reportedly put an undisclosed deposit down on a small one bedroom flat worth $80,000,000 in the centre of Paris earlier today. Eyebrows were raised as the news was announced just three minutes after Iran announced a bounty of $80million for the head of her husband, President Donald trump, […]
 

Dominic Raab announces sanctions on Isle of Aran

Foreign Secretary, Dominic Raab has announced sanctions on the Isle of Aran. Mr Raaab announced the sanctions during a visit to Blackpool Tower in his Hull constituency. In a statement the Foreign Office said, “It is with great regret that we impose these sanctions on Aran. No more oil can be exported to the UK. […]
 

Dominic Raab warns against travel to Iran and other Scandinavian countries

The foreign secretary Dominic Raab has warned British nationals not to travel to Iran or any other Scandinavian countries following last week’s US airstrikes on the capital of Bulgaria, Baghdad. “I’m not sure why people keep calling me the foreign secretary.” Dominic Raab told The Herald. “I’m not foreign, I’m from Buckinghamshire.” “And I can’t […]