Britain signs lucrative post Brexit tax avoidance deal with Lichtenstein

Dominic Raab has announced that Britain is set to sign a very lucrative tax avoidance deal with Lichtenstein. A Government spokesman said, “This is a very important deal we’ve signed. There’s every chance that the Government will have to increase taxes over the coming months. With that in mind it’s great to be able to […]
 

Rochdale Herald exclusive – Prince Andrew tells us about Princess Beatrice’s wedding

In a Rochdale Herald exclusive Prince Andrew tells us how the secret wedding of his daughter Beatrice went last week. 7am – Woken up by Maude, my maid carrying my breakfast in. She puts it on the bed, opens the curtains and wishes me Good Morning and leaves. On the tray is the post. Mostly […]
 

Cummings replaced by Orwell in No.10 reshuffle

Downing Street today confirmed that Dominic Cummings has been sacked and replaced by George Orwell as the government’s chief political advisor – effective immediately, The Rochdale Herald has learned.  A new-speakesperson from the newly formed Ministry of Truth said, “…all government policy has been extensively borrowed from fiction and we realised we no longer needed […]
 

E. Begum granted permission to return to Rochdale from that there Yorkshire

E. Begum should be allowed to return to Rochdale to fight the decision to remove her rights to live on our side of the Pennines, the Court of Appeal has ruled. Ms Begum, now 20, was one of three schoolgirls who left Rochdale to live in the so called ‘God’s Own County’ in 2015.  Her […]
 

Matt Hancock adds Straw Clutching to his cv as “transferable skill”

Hot on the heels of Boris Johnson’s success in the Stable Door Shutting championships, the Health Secratary, Matt Hancock has added Straw Clutching to his own cv as a transferable skill a source at No. 10 has told The Rochdale Herald. Mr Hancock today called for an investigation into the way deaths related to the […]
 

Conspiracy theorists conflicted as scientists announce mask wearing protects from 5G

Conspiracy theorists have reported feeling conflicted after scientists revealed that wearing a mask protects wearers from 5G. Lab Tech, Frederick Seddon of Rochdale College told us, ” Recent research suggests that people wearing masks don’t develop any side effects associated with 5G. Various members of the population have been wandering around in  masks for the […]
 

Team GB to announce Stable Door Shutting as new olympic sport

Team GB are set to announce that “Stable Door Shutting” will become an Olympic sport, The Rochdale Herald has learned. Following the UK government’s announcement that perhaps it might not be a bad idea if everyone were to wear masks during a global pandemic of an airborne virus after all, Team GB has announced that […]
 

Goveid-19 now ‘out of control’ in UK.

A new, highly infectious virus – Goveid-19 – has reached pandemic proportions throughout the UK, an investigation by The Rochdale Herald has revealed. Goveid-19 was first detected during the Conservative Party leadership election campaign in 2016 but was not at the time thought to be anything other than a minor irritant. The first person infected […]
 

Craft beer hand carbonated with bicycle pumps marks last throes of hipsterism.

The cult of hipsterism which has seemingly infested the planet since forever appears to have finally reached its tipping point, The Rochdale Herald has found. The movement, in which participants strive to look like the bass player in an obscure Americana band, has proved harder to get rid of than a hipster from an artisan […]
 

Chris Grayling announces RAF to be replaced by the Russian Air Force

Chris Grayling has announced that the Royal Air Force will be disbanded and its responsibilities outsourced to the Russian Air Force. Speaking from Ivan the Terrible Air Force Base in Lincolnshire Grayling said, “The Royal Air Force simply wasn’t providing the service the public deserves. It was extremely costly to keep developing new air craft […]
 

22 year old discovers new green job is actually vegetable picking

A 22 year old Rochdale resident has told us that his new ‘green’ job is actually just picking vegetables for £3.50 an hour. Bill Board, who was recently made redundant from Rolls Royce told us, “I expected this kick starter job to be a way to improve my skills and be a much needed down […]
 

Drunk driver that crashed car into tree blames tree for causing accident

A drunk driver that crashed his car into a tree on Saturday night has told us the tree caused the accident. A police spokesman said, “We were called to a report of a man having crashed into a tree on Saturday night. When we got there he was attempting to open a bag of crisps […]
 
A Rochdale man that has just spent a month telling anyone within earshot or on the internet that all lives matter has said he’s furious that Boris Johnson has announced that 3 million Hong Kong residents are entitled to come to Britain. Bill Board told us, “This is ridiculous, I didn’t vote Brexit so that […]
 
In a paper published in the journal Science this week scientists led by, Professor Frederick Seddon of Rochdale College have said they’ve observed Burnley residents using basic tools, communicating in grunts and solving simple problems. Professor Seddon told us, “This research is a huge step. What was once written off as a primordial and backwards […]
 

Burnley residents fear diversity means marrying outside of immediate family

A Burnley man has told us that he fears moves for more diversity will mean that people will be forced to marry outside of their immediate family. Bill Board told us, “For years Burnley residents have married within their immediate families. That’s our tradition and we feel that it’s now under attack.” Bill’s wife and […]
 

Anger as Dominic Raab claims Hitler salute came from TV sitcom ‘Allo Allo!’

Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab prompted fresh criticism today after claiming that the ‘Hitler salute’ frequently used by members of the far-right was ‘just a bit of fun’ that originated from the 1980’s TV sitcom ”Allo ‘Allo!’.  Raab, who was slammed yesterday for suggesting that the ‘taking the knee’ gesture linked to the Black Lives Matter […]
 

Trump tells reporters that he’s cured Megadeth

POTATUS, Donald Trump has made a sensational claim that he’s cured Megadeth today. In a rambling 4 hour speech Trump said, “You know what’s amazing? The countdown to extinction is over. People said that it couldn’t be done. That nobody could possibly cure this. But I’ve done it. You know, so far so good. The […]
 

Arsonists shocked building they set on fire is burning

A group of arsonists have spoken of their shock at discovering that a building they’ve spent a decade carefully trying to set fire to is now burning and may get out of control. One of them told us, “When I first took a hatchet to the fabric of the building I knew what could happen. […]
 
A man has told the Rochdale Herald that he’s protecting the statue of Winston Churchill in Whitehall because, “You’d be speaking German if it wasn’t for Churchill”, before giving a Nazi salute. Retired football hooligan, Bill Board attended todays rally to protect the statue from vandals. One witness said, “It’s all a bit strange. They […]
 

Nigel Farage leaves LBC for remake of Howards’ Way; Nigels’ Way

Nigel Farage has left LBC and got a job on a new remake of Howards’ Way called, Nigels’ Way. Producer Bill Board told us, “Nigel plays Nigel, a man who has experienced 2 redundancies in 6 months. He leaves London and settles in a seaside town on the south coast of England.” “Nigel is struggling […]