Wolverine's Gender Reassignment Surgery Unsuccessful Yet Again

COLD LAKE, AB—The X-Men may need to finally update to a more inclusive title, now that one of their most popular (previously male) members identifies as a woman. 

Tourists Flock From Around Country To View Ancient Ruins Of CHAZ

SEATTLE, WA—There's a hot new tourist destination this summer: the ancient ruins of CHAZ/CHOP in present-day Seattle.

Netflix Hires Racists And Pulls Any Episodes They Laugh At

LOS GATOS, CA—Netflix has hired three racist men to watch old TV shows so that the streaming service can remove any old TV shows that they find funny. The racists, Bubba, Brett, and Buddy, are all avowed racists and white supremacists. Each day, Netflix has them marathon old episodes of classic TV shows and monitors whatever they think is really funny.
CHICAGO, IL—The Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, a mainline protestant denomination that is home to some 3 million Lutherans, has released a statement declaring that the ELCA will be dropping all the problematic words from its name including "Evangelical," "Lutheran," "Church," and "America."

FBI Hires Top-Rated Italian Bodyguard Hiluigi Clintonelli To Protect Ghislaine Maxwell

BRADFORD, NH—Following the arrest of Ghislaine Maxwell for sex abuse charges, the FBI is taking no chances in keeping her safe while she awaits trial. Sparing no expense, the FBI has hired top-notch Italian bodyguard Hiluigi Clintonelli.

Sad: Democrat Leaders Struggling To Enforce Lockdowns After Getting Rid Of All The Police

U.S.—Oh no! Democrat leaders sure are in a pickle. They are really trying to be tyrants and enact a police state with their COVID-19 orders and lockdowns, but oops: they just defunded the police and now don't have any police officers to enforce their orders!

Really Interesting Theological Discussion Ruined By Someone Pulling Out A Bible Verse

PALM BEACH, FL—Some friends were having a thought-provoking theological discussion, diving deep into the possible nature of God and of the afterlife. However, just as the discussion seemed to be nearing some really intriguing philosophical territory, one member of the group, Kyle Guy, pulled out his phone and read a verse directly from the Bible.

Governor Newsom Orders Californians To Launch Fireworks Indoors This Year

SACRAMENTO, CA—California Governor Gavin Newsom held a stern press conference today where he lectured people on how to celebrate their freedom safely and responsibly this Independence Day. In addition to banning most gatherings where people usually celebrate the fact that they live in a free country like the United States, Newsom reminded everyone that if they choose to celebrate July 4th with fireworks, the fireworks need to be launched indoors only.
U.S.—Riotous crowds rushed brick and mortar stores today to pick up copies of Mel Brooks' groundbreaking comedy Blazing Saddles before it permanently goes down the memory hole due to jokes that are off-limits in today's enlightened society of love and tolerance.
WALNUT CREEK, CA—As a parent who wants to teach sound doctrine to his children, when Dave Brown, father, was asked by his sad-eyed, lip-quivering children if they would see Mittens the cat in heaven, he replied, “Absolutely.”

Powerful: LeBron James Pulls Over To Lecture Homeless Man On His White Privilege

LOS ANGELES, CA—We all know LeBron James is an amazing human being, but seriously. Just when we thought he couldn't get any better, local media caught this powerful moment and WE CAN'T EVEN. Cameras caught the inspiring, heartwarming moment LeBron approached a homeless man last week at one of LA's many tent cities. 

Controversy As Biden Caught Sniffing Confederate Statue

NASHVILLE, TN—While many on the left have taken a strong, anti-statue position, blaming statues for inequality and a number of unsolved murders, presidential candidate Joe Biden has taken a much softer stance and is often seen talking to statues. Controversy erupted, though, when Biden was spotted sniffing the sculpted hair of a Confederate statue.

Trump Generously Offers To Give Biden 30-Minute Head Start On All Debate Responses

WASHINGTON, D.C.—There has been talk about canceling the Trump-Biden debates, since Biden might have trouble competing with Trump's scathing wit and daunting intellect, or at least might just have trouble stringing together sentences. But Trump, being generous in demeanor and full of grace, has offered to give Biden a full 30-minute head start on all debate responses.

Hollywood Actors Pledge Never To Take A Role Where They Have To Pretend To Be Someone Else

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In a push for inclusivity, actors across Hollywood resigned from their roles today and took a pledge never to take a role where they have to act like someone they are not.

Christian Briefly Considers Placing Hope In God After Supreme Court Lets Him Down Again

OGDEN, UT—After a supremely disappointing decision from the Supreme Court, local Christian Paulson McPaully has reported a brief inclination to start placing his hope in God.

James Harden Still Getting Fouled Despite 6-Foot Social Distancing Rule

U.S.—The NBA has a new rule: players must stay six feet apart from each other at all times. Despite this rule, though, James Harden is still somehow getting fouled from six feet away.

Controversial Video Shows Trump And Melania Brandishing Guns As Reporters Near White House

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A controversial video went viral Monday showing President Trump and First Lady Melania Trump brandishing guns as a mostly peaceful group of reporters approached the White House. Trump held an AR-15 and Melania waved around a semiautomatic pistol as reporters neared the White House, presumably to ask questions.

Equality At Last: Disney Confirms Winnie The Pooh Will Now Be Voiced By An Actual Bear

BURBANK, CA—Equality has finally covered the world like a literal, worldwide flood: Disney announced today that Winnie the Pooh will now be voiced by an actual grizzly bear.

Growing Up Hinn: The Costi Hinn Interview

This is the Babylon Bee Interview Show.
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Democrats Prepare To Celebrate Dependence Day

U.S.—Democrats across the country prepared to celebrate Dependence Day this week, an annual holiday where they reflect upon their complete and total dependence on the government.