U.S. Descends Into Third-World Hellscape Where Amazon Delivers In Three Days Instead Of Two

U.S.—The U.S. has become an absolute hellscape, a terrifying place where you can't always get exactly what you want from Amazon in two days.
 

Man Brilliantly Defuses Argument By Telling Wife To Calm Down

U.S.—Local man Paul Jensen is being heralded as a genius and hero after he got the brilliant idea to defuse an argument with his wife by suggesting that she "calm down."
 

Study: Majority Of Americans Have Absolutely No Memory Of Guy Named 'Pete Buttigieg'

U.S.—A new study found that the vast majority of Americans have absolutely no memory of a guy named "Pete Buttigieg" who allegedly ran for president earlier this year.
 

China Claims No New Deaths As Peasant Passes By Shouting 'Bring Out Your Dead!'

BEIJING—China has once again claimed no new deaths by coronavirus today, drawing praise from the American media.
 

Podcast: The Essential Business Of Keeping Perspective

This is the Babylon Bee weekly news podcast for the week of 4/1/2020.
 

Darth Vader Criticized For Hoarding All The Ventilators

CORUSCANT—Criticisms are mounting against the Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader, for hoarding ventilators in this time of crisis.
 

Daily Coronavirus WH Briefings Renewed For Second Season Thanks To Record Ratings

WASHINGTON, D.C.—One important thing people have noticed during the coronavirus crisis are the massive ratings for President Donald Trump’s daily White House briefings.
 
We usually publish satire, but today is April 1, and we wanted to write straight news for once. Just because we are jokesters does not mean we don't have real thoughts, opinions, and emotions, and once in a while we just have to get them out. Also stop saying mean things about our satire; it hurts our feelings.
 

Jim Acosta Strikes Blow Against Racism By Seeing How Many Bats He Can Fit In His Mouth

ATLANTA, GA—On a live broadcast today, CNN reporter Jim Acosta struck a mighty blow against racism by checking how many bats he could fit in his mouth.
 

Netflix And Disney+ Join Forces To Produce The Liger King

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Netflix and Disney have come together to produce one of the greatest crossover events of the century. The Liger King will take the hero of the Netflix documentary The Tiger King, Joe Exotic, and place him at the center of the world of Disney's The Lion King. In the film, Exotic will present a baby Liger as the new king of all the animals, but he will also run for governor and then president of the Animal Kingdom.
 

Liberty University Distributes MAGA Hats For Students To Cough Into

LYNCHBURG, VA—In a press release to students returning to Liberty University in the middle of a massive pandemic, school president Jerry Falwell, Jr. reminded students to cough into their MAGA hats to prevent the risk of infection.
 

Mike Pence Issues Permanent Stay-At-Home Order To Nation's Women

Vice President Mike Pence, head of the Coronavirus Task Force, has issued a new decree, saying that the stay-at-home order will now be permanent for all women.
 

Pelosi: 'We Must Flatten The Curve Of Support For Donald Trump'

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Nancy Pelosi warned the nation of the concerning spread of support for Donald Trump in recent weeks. Luckily, she has a plan: flattening the curve.
 

Teachers Urge Government To Reopen Schools Before Students Learn To Think For Themselves

U.S.—Teachers at government schools have raised their concerns that the recent closure of their institutions will have a damaging effect on students. In particular, the nation's educators are worried that the longer the schools are closed, the more likely it is that students will begin thinking for themselves, learn life skills away from the government school system, and realize how much more they learn at home.
 

Stimulus Package Projected To Save The Lives Of At Least 85,000 Government Programs

WASHINGTON, D.C.—America's heroic lawmakers have managed to come together and pass a stimulus package to save the world from the effects of the coronavirus. A grateful country full of very stimulated Americans is applauding the lifesaving efforts of Congress. Already, experts are predicting the stimulus package will save the lives of at least 85,000 government programs. Sources say that with a little congressional money laundering, that figure could even double. 
 
ISRAEL—Bible scholars have agreed that Pontius Pilate didn't wash his hands long enough or thoroughly enough to avoid taking any of the responsibility for the crucifixion of Jesus.
 

Bruce Wayne Suspected As Patient Zero In Gotham Coronavirus Outbreak

GOTHAM—Gotham City has been dealing with its own epidemic of coronavirus. Many wanted to pin the outbreak on the Riddler, thinking "corona" was some kind of code to be cracked. Others thought it was an evil scheme of the Joker, Penguin, or Poison Ivy.
 

Space Force Develops Cure For Coronavirus

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The cure for coronavirus has arrived, and it's come from a surprising source: the United States Space Force. Many people mocked Trump for his Space Force idea, but now it's clear that it was an incredibly prescient decision.
 

Trump: 'Destroy This Economy And I Will Raise It Up In Three Days'

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a shocking speech to the press Monday, President Trump said the libs and media could destroy the economy with their coronavirus fearmongering, and he would raise it up in three days.
 

Americans Excitedly Anticipate Getting Paid With Their Own Money

U.S.—Americans have reported they're very optimistic about the stimulus package passed by Congress last week. In particular, people all around the country are excited to get paid with a little bit of the money that they paid the federal government already.