Flock Of Monocled Geese In Top Hats Join Don Lemon In Round Of Laughter At The Commoners

NEW YORK, NY—Over the weekend, CNN’s Don Lemon burst out in a fit of laughter with his panel of monocled, tophat wearing geese.

CNN Airs Free Commercial For Trump Campaign

ATLANTA, GA—Many people think of Don Lemon and his fellow CNN hosts as elite, out-of-touch snobs. But this couldn't be further from the truth.

Threat? Bolton Wakes Up Next To His Dead Mustache

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A scream erupted this morning from the Bolton household when former national security advisor John Bolton woke up to find his mustache lying dead beside him, a dagger pierced straight through his beloved friend. “No! Why?! Why?!” an inconsolable Bolton cried as police and paramedics arrived on the scene. There was nothing they could do, though, as everyone agreed it would just look weird if they tried to put it back on him with spirit gum.

Governor Newsom Declares California A Coronavirus-Free Zone

SACRAMENTO, CA—Governor Newsom has declared California a coronavirus-free zone, instantly eradicating any threat of coronavirus infecting anyone in the state.

Black Missionary Arrives At White Church To Teach Them How To Clap On Beat

SANTA ANA, CA—The nation's black churches have announced a plan to begin sending missionaries to their white brothers and sisters' churches in order to teach them how to clap to a beat.

John Bolton Says He Will Testify In Exchange For Large Bucket Of Fish

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Former National Security Adviser John Bolton now says he will testify in Trump's impeachment trial in exchange for a large bucket of fish.

Adam Schiff Nominated For Best Actor

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Adam Schiff has received a nod for his riveting performance in the Senate as the Academy nominated him for Best Actor in a Leading Role.

Man Led To Christ After Christian In Comments Section Declares Him Total Moron

U.S.—In a brief exchange on Twitter last week, user "Freethinker451" said in a public conversation that they thought religion was "poisoning people's minds." Not long after the comment was posted, user "BaptistBen590" replied to the comment with words that would chance Freethinker451's life.

Your Wife Claimed She Was 'Fine' And That 'Nothing Is Wrong.' Fact Check: FALSE

Your wife recently made the incredible claim that she was "fine" and that "nothing is wrong" when you asked her if everything is OK. Experts quickly cast doubt on this claim, and we're here to set the record straight with another perfect, beautiful Babylon Bee Fact Check.

Trump’s Ukraine Phone Call 'Too Perfect,' 'May Have Used Phone Call-Enhancing Drugs'

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Central to the impeachment trial of President Trump is his phone call with Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky. Trump has described it as a “perfect phone call,” and most agree, considering it one of the best phone calls anyone has ever heard. In fact, the estate of Alexander Graham Bell has given the phone call an award in “phone call excellence” and called it “one of the best uses of the device in the history of mankind.”

Shocking New Study Finds You Will Not Live Forever

U.S.—A shocking new study found that you will not live forever and that you will one day die and face your Creator.

In Major Deal, The Babylon Bee Purchases Competing Satire Site CNN

U.S.—The Babylon Bee has been the world's best satire site for thousands of years, spawning dozens of secular knock-offs that just aren't quite as good.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Faced with the prospect of another drawn-out day of listening to fellow congresspeople drone on and on about impeachment, Republican senators donned their trusty googly-eye glasses in order to get a little shuteye.

Bernie Sanders Welcomed As Newest Member Of Alt-Right After Joe Rogan Endorsement

U.S.—The massive alt-right movement welcomed their newest celebrity member this week as Alt-Right Chief of Gender Discrimination Joe Rogan said he would probably vote for Bernie Sanders for president.

Forgiving The Man Who Took My Family Hostage: The McGill Alexander Interview

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Flower Arrangement In Church Sanctuary Steps Down After 86 Years Of Service

PEOTONE, IL—Ninety-three pastors have come and gone since First Baptist Church of Peotone opened its doors 86 years ago, but one thing has remained unchanged—the flower arrangement on the pedestal next to the piano in the church's sanctuary. It has been a mainstay for the congregation since its inception; however, the church announced that this coming Sunday will be the final service for the floral display.

CNN Unveils New Format Where Hosts Just Watch Fox News And Yell At It

ATLANTA, GA—CNN has introduced a new format for its news shows: Now when people tune in, they’ll see two anchors sitting at a desk with a TV between them tuned to FOX News about which the anchors will yell about angrily.

Massive Plank Appears In Adam Schiff's Eye As He Accuses Trump Of Being A Liar

WASHINGTON, D.C.—As Adam Schiff gave his opening arguments in Trump's impeachment trial yesterday, stunned witnesses claim a huge plank suddenly appeared protruding from his left eye socket.
RIYADH—Saudi Arabia's crown prince called his buddy Jeff Bezos recently just to casually chat with him and ask what his first pet's name was, his mother's maiden name, and the name of the street he lived on as a child, sources confirmed Thursday.

Dumb AOC Accidentally Strangles Herself Tying Her Shoes (Because She Is So Stupid)

WASHINGTON, D.C.—While taking a jog yesterday morning, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez attempted to tie her shoe -- a simple thing that even a child can do but she can’t because she is so brain-dumb and likes socialism -- but messed it up so badly with her stupidity that she nearly strangled herself with her shoelaces.